Ahh college…the best 4 years of your life. At least, that was my expectation going into it. I started off my college dance journey at Point Park University in Pittsburgh, PA as a dance major. One of the Top 10 Dance Programs in the country. My future was set.
Little did I know how much can change once you actually GET to college. My college dance journey didn’t turn out like most others.
Let me backtrack a little bit… I began dancing at the age of 3 and continued throughout high school, so it was only natural to continue dancing in college. I loved dancing, and I wanted to make it my career. Easy, right? Not quite.
Starting the College Dance Journey
Once I got to Point Park in August of 2016, I was over the moon. I was around amazing dancers who had the same goals and passion for dance like me.
Overall, my first year was great. I made great friends, learned a lot, and grew as a dancer. The training was intense. I was dancing between 25-30 hours a week training in ballet, jazz, and modern. I had it all…new friends, parties, and the opportunity to dance every day. The only thing missing seemed to be my confidence.
I always had considered myself a confident person. I had no problem standing in the front, taking charge, and being a leader. For some reason, once I got in an environment where I was no longer in my comfort zone, my confidence slowly began to dwindle.
The main reason I lost my confidence was because I was dealing with constant rejection by not being put in shows. Let me explain… Our school put on multiple dance shows per year that you had to audition for.
Try and imagine being in a room with nearly 400 AMAZING dancers fighting for the same role. Yeah…that was the reality of it. Show after show, I just couldn’t seem to push myself to be the best and get one of those spots. This really gave my confidence a blow.
The Second Year Would Be Different…
Fast forward to my second year of college. I was determined to make it my year, get cast in shows, and get my confidence back.
When the first cast list came out, I scanned the email for my name, but it was nowhere to be found. Disappointment doesn’t even begin to describe the feeling. I felt like my world was caving in on me and that everything I had worked so hard for no longer mattered.
Most of my class was in that show except for me. I wanted to call it quits and walk away. How else was I supposed to feel? My confidence was at an all-time low, in fact, there was none left in me. I felt drained. I had lost my love of dance.
Looking back, I can only imagine what it was like watching me dance if I didn’t have any confidence. It read through my dancing that I was unsure of myself and didn’t believe that I was worthy to be where I was.
Why would someone want to work with me and believe in me if I didn’t even believe in myself? It was a vicious cycle that I couldn’t break.
No more Dance
After a lot of thinking, low moments, and tears, I made the decision to leave Point Park. I didn’t transfer because I wasn’t getting put in shows or noticed, I transferred because I lost my love of dance. I lost my passion. I no longer woke up every morning excited to see what I would learn but instead dreaded going to class because I felt like nothing.
Sure, the rejection I felt played a role in losing my passion for dance, but I truly believe in my heart that I would have lost that joy and love for dance eventually. Looking back, I feel sad for that girl. She was depressed, felt alone, and didn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. My college dance journey stole that from me.
I left school after winter break and did not return for the second semester. I was SO ashamed of leaving. I didn’t tell anyone besides my closest friends at school that I wasn’t coming back. My fear came from being judged and being thought of as a “failure.” I didn’t tell my extended family, my best friend, or any of my friends from home.
What if my “dancer” friends wouldn’t like me anymore because I quit? Once I got home, I finally told people one-by-one, and everyone reacted the same. They were happy that I was taking control of my life and doing something that I wanted to do. That truly made me realize what amazing people I have in my life.
What Happened After…
After I left Point Park, I didn’t dance or take any classes for around 8 months. I hated dance. I resented it. Why would I want to do something that brought me so much pain and hurt?
My college dance journey stole my confidence. It stole who I believed I was. Here I am today writing this, a senior at Drexel University majoring in nutrition, enjoying my life. I can now confidently say that there is light at the end of the tunnel.
I decided to start dancing again, but just as a fun hobby, not a career. I have made some of my best friends through dancing at Drexel, which I am so grateful for. I learned that I am so much more than a dancer. I am smart. I am outgoing. I am confident. I am HAPPY.
I slowly began gaining some of my joy for dance and confidence back once I got to Drexel. I don’t think I will ever have the same relationship with dance as I did before college, but I’ve accepted that.
I’ve changed a lot since high school, so it’s okay that I don’t enjoy dancing as much as I did then. All I can ask for is that I don’t resent it as I did a few years ago, which I don’t.
If there is anything in your life that no longer serves you or lights a fire in your heart…stop. Don’t force yourself to love something that you don’t just because you think you have to. Stand up for yourself and take control of your life. We only have one life to live, so we might as well make it a great one.
xoxo
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