Say it with me…SELF-LOVE IS NOT SELFISH. We live in a world where we’re told to love ourselves and be confident, but then told that we’re rude or arrogant when we do.
Where is the line being drawn? I’m sharing why I believe that self-love is not selfish and ways to set healthy boundaries in order to practice self-love.
Learning to Set Boundaries
Boundaries seem to be my word of the year for 2021. Learning to set healthy boundaries is something that is definitely a struggle and not always easy, but something that is so necessary to practice self-love.
Boundaries in Relationships
You could look at this as friendships, romantic relationships, or relationships with family members. As I’ve been living at home since last March as a 23 year old, to say that I’ve been having a hard time would be an understatement.
I’m an extremely type-A person, which is not always the best thing. I have high functioning anxiety, which can lead to people-pleasing tendencies and wanting everything to be perfect. In order to practice self-love, I have started to accept that my personality is not going to please everyone, and I’m not going to change it to make that happen.
I began seeing a therapist this year (more on that, here), which has been amazing for setting boundaries in my relationships. My personality is the type where I can get mad fast and hold a grudge for a long time. My family is the opposite, where they move on in 5 minutes. I’ve learned to set the boundary where I take my time to be mad, and don’t try to rush through my emotions just to please everyone. I’m practicing self-love by honoring this about myself and not trying to change into something that I’m not.
Boundaries in School and Work
This is a good one, and one that is so hard. I’m sure a lot of you can relate to being a workaholic, wanting to do it all, and not being able to say no.
One of the biggest ways I’ve began setting boundaries with work and school is making myself unavailable at certain times. Whenever I receive a message or email, I have the urge to answer it right away. I want to please whoever is taking their time to message me and ask me a question.
Yes, they’re taking their time to message you, but they’re also asking for YOUR time to respond. You have the right as to when and if you want to answer (assuming it’s not an emergency). When someone is asking a question or favor of you, they’re coming into your bubble and ultimately wanting some of your time.
I’m not saying that every time someone texts or emails you, you should ignore it or think of it as a bad thing. I am saying that you should look into setting a boundary about when and how you answer it. Something I can guarantee is that if you answer an email first thing when you wake up, you’re going to be REACTIVE. If you take time for yourself and do some self-care first, you’re going to be PROACTIVE.
It’s Okay to Love Yourself!
Now that we’ve established how boundaries can be a form of self-love, let’s talk about why it’s not selfish to love yourself. In fact, loving yourself is probably the least selfish thing you could do for others.
Think of the oxygen mask analogy. In order to help others, you need to put your own oxygen mask on first. The same thing goes for life. You can’t help anyone or make them feel loved if you’re not actively practicing self-love yourself.
I want to acknowledge that self-love is hard, and something that I struggle with. I touched on this in my body love post, but it’s okay to not love yourself all the time. Asking someone to go from never doing anything for themselves and thinking negatively of who they are to just magically loving themselves is a lot.
The goal is to work our way up to self-love. Start with self-compassion and respect. The more we can respect ourselves, the more that is going to radiate into every aspect of our life, and turn into self-love.
New Ways to Practice Self Love
Here are some practices that I’ve been implementing in my life to practice self-love:
1. Setting boundaries
Pretty much everything I said earlier in this post. Setting boundaries with your loved ones and with work and school is critical to practicing self-love!
2. Saying “no”
When you want to do it all and please others, it’s hard to say no. If you’re in a situation where you’re struggling to say no, think of two outcomes. Think what would happen if you said “yes”, and what would happen if you said “no.”
If saying “yes” would enhance your life, then by all means say it. But, if saying “no” would be better for you, don’t feel guilty about it (harder said than done). I’ve learned that anytime I say no to something, it always ends up being fine.
3. Having a morning and night routine
In order to practice self-love, you need to have time to be with yourself. One of the best ways to do this is to establish a morning and night routine.
Giving yourself adequate time to wake-up and wind-down is crucial to being less reactive, which in turn is an act of self-love. Just waking up 5 minutes earlier than you normally would to meditate will do wonders for you. Our bodies are not meant to be “on” from the moment we wake up to the moment we fall asleep.
4. Not feeling guilty for taking a break
This is HUGE. I’m someone who used to never take a break, and would feel lazy if I did. I’ve now tried to give myself one whole day of doing nothing, whenever I can. It’s amazing how much better you feel when you spend a day off social media, work, your phone, etc. Again, our bodies are not meant to be “on” and in the fight-or-flight stage 24/7. Giving yourself time to rest, no matter how short or long, should never be looked at with guilt.
Remember to set boundaries, give yourself grace, and practice self-respect, so that we can LOVE OURSELVES.
xoxo
